Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The lost SNL skit: Obama on Killing Bin Laden Day
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN ~ FRED/HIGGINS V.O.
(OPEN ON: STILL FF: PRESIDENTIAL SEAL)
The following is an address from
the President of the United States.
(DISS. TO: OVAL OFFICE SET.
FRED AS PRESIDENT OBAMA)
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
It was exactly one year ago
last Tuesday, May 1, 2011,
that US Navy Seal Team 6, acting
on my orders, put an end to the
career of Osama bin Laden. I
hope you had a safe and joyous
first anniversary of his killing,
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN (CONTD) 2
and that you were able to spend
it with those you love. This is
a special time of year, when we
gather together with family and
friends, to commemorate the
shooting of this terrorist, and
the gutsy decision that made it
possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t
able to be at home this year, as
I had to fly to Afghanistan, to
remind President Karzai that,
exactly one year ago, we killed
Osama bin Laden, and that the
decision to do so was a gutsy
one. And was mine. To Michelle,
Sasha, and Malia, I’m sorry I
couldn’t be with you this time.
You know there’s no place I’d
rather be on Killing Osama
bin Laden Day than with you.
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN (CONTD) 3
But I’ll be home for the next
Killing Osama bin Laden Day.
If only, as the song goes, in
Now tonight, I want to talk to
you about the economy. But
first, a little more about the
killing of Osama bin Laden. Why
is it that Mitt Romney refuses
to join the rest of his fellow
Americans in commemorating the
first year anniversary? Does he
think that killing Osama bin
Laden wasn’t the right thing to
do, or that it wasn’t "gutsy"?
Why all this sympathy for a
terrorist? Could it be they
shared some special bond, since
Mitt and Osama were both members
of the One Percent? He's weird.
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN (CONTD) 4
Now I’ll get to the economy in a
minute, but while I’m on the
subject, there seems to be some
confusion among the general public
about when exactly we celebrate
Killing Osama bin Laden Day.
Many of you apparently think
it’s the first Sunday in May,
whatever date that falls on.
Wrong. He may have been killed
on the first Sunday of May, but
Killing Osama bin Laden Day is
always celebrated May 1st, the
date of the actual killing,
whatever day of the week that
falls on. Are we clear? Also,
in response to numerous queries,
here are the appropriate
gifts for each anniversary
of Osama bin Laden’s death,
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN (CONTD) 5
according to the White House
Office of Etiquette.
(PICKS UP A SHEET OF PAPER
FROM WHICH HE READS)
For the first anniversary:
Paper. And the gemstone is
opal. For the fifth
anniversary: Wood. The
gemstone is amethyst. For the
tenth anniversary: Tin.
Really. Tin. Many people
think it’s silver, but it’s not.
It’s tin. Remember that. You
don’t want to be embarrassed.
But you can also add your own
ideas. For example, I’ve already
promised Michelle and the girls,
for the Tenth Anniversary, I’m
taking them to Orlando. One more
thing: I want to remind us all
that, when sending a Killing of
Osama bin Laden anniversary card,
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN (CONTD) 6
or offering best wishes on
Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a
friend who happens to be Muslim,
we should be considerate of
Islamic cultural tradition. To
many Muslims, phrases like Osama
bin Laden "went dirt-napping,” or
“assumed room temperature,” or
“sleeps with the fishes,” can be
offensive. Especially the last
one, since, as we all know, he
was buried at sea. And of
course, let’s all remember that
heavy drinking, and Killing Osama
bin Laden Day, are never a good
combination. So please celebrate
Killing Osama bin Laden Day
responsibly. After all, it’s the
“gutsy” decision. Well, I’m
afraid that’s all I have time
for tonight. The economy,
OBAMA ADDRESS COLD OPEN (CONTD) 7
by the way, is looking
fantastic. Thank you for
listening, and Live from
New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Posted by Anonymous Contractor at 10:43 AM